My Television Overkill

It's hard to be a guy in today's television landscape. Of course, it seems to me that most 'guys' don't really watch television except for sports, and the occasional episode of 'Family Guy', 'South Park', or '24' (Is there such a thing as the occasional episode of '24'?). I like to think of myself as a 'guy', but it has been made perfectly clear to me many times over that 'guys' don't have the tolerance for the soap opera style melodramatics that infest so many of the current television shows. The shows that I watch, that I obsess over. I try to point out to to my friends who feel this way that the shows I've dragged them into are just as melodramatic as the ones they refuse to watch - '24' is just a soap opera where the violence has been replaced with violence, and shows like 'Alias' and 'Veronica Mars' wear their soapy hearts on their sleeves, right next to the mysteries that propel the show. I explain to them that shows like 'The O.C.' (at least in it's first season) and 'Buffy' use the melodrama just as a means to an end, as an excuse to create and explore excellent characters who say funny funny lines. But they don't buy it. I also try explaining that there is a difference between doing these shows right and doing them wrong, making them just as bad as day time soaps (I'm looking at you, One Tree Hill. Actually, I'm not, that's kind of the point. That show is terrible). But still, they insist on calling me girly.

But I've tried to hold on to the one shred of my ever fading manliness over the last year, as 'Grey's Anatomy' has been building up steam. Between those terrible looking ads with 'Such Great Heights' in it that ABC used to first promote the show, to the terrible opening sequence it had, and the sudsy actions and unsympathetic lead character, I was fine not liking it. I felt pride in shunning the show, that I'd earned the right to go out and laugh with my fellow manly cohorts over not watching it (then promptly get my ass handed to me after I ask "How cool was Sandy Cohen last night?"). But I watched the episode right before the Superbowl episode, and for the last month, I've been watching every week, and on the nights where it's not on, I just lie awake, wondering, "Will George ever get a hiar cut?". I felt my last ounce of masculinity walking out the door, like John C McGinley slowly shaking his head while muttering "Oh Shirley" as it went. But I don't care, the show kind of got over that awkward hump that kept me away from it at the beginning, and has now picked up such a creative pace that I can't stay away. While I still can't stand Meredith, the supporting characters have built up enough presence to make me not even care what she's up to. Unless she's sleeping with George. Then I care. But I dare say that the supporting characters of this show have taken their place in the canon of great television characters. George joins the ranks of the Xanders and Marshalls of the world as another dorky and neurotic character who suffers an unrequited love for the main character on the show who is too caught up with the hunky lead to ever really notice them (Or, another way to put it would be the characters I wish I didn't relate to so much). Christina has the equal streaks of clumsiness and competitiveness to join the likes of Eliot and Cordelia. Alex also looks on track to be one of the great throw away asshole characters who ends up developing into just a slightly ass-holeish hero, like Spike or Logan (the Veronica Mars Logan. The '24' Logan is just straight up asshole, with a side of douche). And they got rid of the hokey opening credits sequence (where each medical instrument segued into something sexy, how clever!), instead opting for a classy little rack-focus number like the opening of 'Lost'. And hopefully tonight's episode was the beginning of the end of Meredith's whiny voiceovers, with the show being narrated from George's point of view ( though all of the talk of karma made it feel like a prettier version of 'My Name is Earl'. Or that episode of 'Scrubs' called 'My Karma', where a bumbling young doctor narrates how karma affects his life and those of the people around him. But other than that, totally original). It doesn't matter though, I'll still be back next week. That is if I can stand to sit down after all the wedgies I'm sure to get after this.

Oh, yes, writing about this show has reminded me that, the Olympics are finally over, so television is back. This week will herald the first new episodes of Scrubs, My Name Is Earl, and The Office since the first week of this month. And who needs a social life when the season finale of 'Battlestar Galactica starts this week? I know I don't! And Lost, after screwing us with a rerun of the pilot (I'm still pissed) is new this week, with an episode that isn't about Jack, Kate, or Sawyer ( wacky huh?). It's actually about Claire, and from the sounds of it, the flashbacks won't be completely useless this week, as we finally find out what happened to Claire during all that missing time last season. And as much as I enjoy watching network censored broadcasts of 'Final Destination 2', I'm much happier to watch a new episode of Gilmore Girls. Now if UPN would just take 'South Beach' out to the shed so it could go to that 'better place, where it can run and play all day' so Veronica Mars could come back with a suitable lead, then everything would be right in the world.

And, for serious, the last thing, does anyone watch 'The Boondocks'? The first few episodes were kind of clumsy, but I've been really impressed with the tone that it's been striking in the last few weeks. At the beginning it all just felt, sitcommy in a way, but it's now found this odd place where it makes really heartfelt social and personal statements in the midst of totally surreal situations. It's almost like a modern day 'Twilight Zone', a show using a genre as a way to get people to hear the messages it wants to tell. There wasn't a bit in their Martin Luther King Jr. episode, where they purposed that MLK Jr. hadn't died after his attack, but had just gone into a coma to awaken years later, and went on to show how he would fit into the pop culture and public discourse of today (it didn't go well), that fell flat. The jokes worked, and the message came across without feeling forced. And I realized tonight that an older episode where Huey and Riley go after a murderer with the help of two white Iraq war veterans (voiced, amazingly, by Charlie Murphy and Sam Jackson), only to be side tracked in a frivolous gunfight that occurs after the veterans accuse the store clerk of having a weapon, is a metaphor for the war in Iraq. It makes more sense if you see it. And it's like three in the morning, and the screen is starting to blur in front of me... so if any thing I just wrote makes sense, it's a miracle. Oh, one more reason you should watch 'The Boondocks', it has one of the best theme songs ever.

Oh, and before I pass out, I apologize for saying "For serious" back there... in my defense, I'm sleep deprived.

Edtv

Mosquitos running rampant? Alligators in your backyard? A murder trial with enough morbidity to make it last through a single news cycle? Rest assured, Ed Lavandera will be there. Lavandera is a secret kind of treat for me, because as a person who spends far too much time watching television, I know that there is no better way to pass time than watching a block of cable news all the way through. The only challenges for anchors during the middle of the day is to keep up enough energy after they introduce the segment about Mardi Gras in post Katrina New Orleans for the fifth time that day. They also have to engage in that kind of emotional detachment that allows them to be all smiles after the Jeannie Moos story about wacky hats, and then turn all frowny as they introduce the piece about the 17 year old Palestinian suicide bomber. It's the same trick that Katie Couric pulls on the Today Show every morning, except there's a reason these people are on at this time of day, they're not nearly as good at it than Couric is. I still kind of believe Couric cares about what she's talking about in her pieces, even though I've been watching her do the same shtick for the last 10 years. The CNN anchors, it can be embarrassing how transparent they are, how little they care or most likely understand what they're talking about. Which makes their interactions with Lavandera all the more awkward, since he is basically CNN's punching bag. Every story that is just barely exciting and important enough to make the news, that's Lavandera's beat. Every hurricane that would come ashore, Lavandera would be there (unless of course it became a national disaster, then they send in Big Blue to take charge). As I was watching Lavandera stand in front of that not so Ricin infected dormitory Saturday, I just couldn't believe the stuff they make him go through. It couldn't actually be that his official status was "Almost Interesting Story Correspondent" (though he does look like the kind of guy who would take that, unfortunately)? Then, I realized, there was a thread. The first sentence of his reporter profile gave it all away. It's all just a matter of geography. The poor sucker.

If You Don't Know Me By Now

On a day like today, where even the most sacred of places in America comes under attack, I find my that my Anglophilia reaches it's peak. Why wouldn't we want to live in England? The accent makes everything they say that much cooler (I'll always remember when my British cousins flushed my toothbrush down the toilet at my grandparents, it was really hard to get mad at them because when we caught them, they said "We flushed it down the loo". You can't get mad at that, you just can't), when you drink tea you look normal rather than looking like a nancy. That's another thing, if I were British, I would know what I was saying when I said things like 'looking like a nancy', and what he means when Charlie calls people 'ponces' on 'Lost', and people wouldn't shout back 'peace' when I gave them a two finger salute. And if I were British, I wouldn't have to troll through Google Video to watch episodes of British sitcoms. To be honest, I'm never entirely sure if British sitcoms are clever or stupid (it's such a fine line), because I can't tell if there is some sort of subtle social joke being made amongst the slapstick (a la 'Arrested Development') or if it's just your regular 'According to Jim' level excuse for comedy (The dramas on the other hand, you know if they're good or not, and on that note I would like to say that 'The Singing Detective' and 'State of Play' are some of the greatest things I've ever seen produced. Seriously, hunt them out. Literally. With a spear if you have to). And even if I'm missing some jokes on 'The IT Crowd', it doesn't matter, because the rest of it is just stupid enough to make me laugh. It was always advertised on The Ricky Gervais Show (but I think that was more out of the fact that Channel 4 was a sponsor of the podcast (and in a biparentheses note, all twelve of the first season podcasts will be available for download starting March 7th, and the second season will start being sold through Audible.com starting Tuesday (Who is Ricky Gervais you say? Shut up I say. As much as I love The American Office (which, now with the end of Arrested Development, is my vote for the funniest show on TV), it kills me that so many people who watch it don't understand why the 'American' is in front of it, because the original show was so perfect. Maybe they'll understand better when Gervais and Steve Merchant write an episode next season, or if they watch reruns of the British version that are now airing on PBS on Sunday nights (at least here in Chicago))) than out of the fact that they really like the show) and people keep raving about it over on BoingBoing after they watch it on the Channel 4 website. Well great I said, I too would like to partake in this television experience. Except no. You can't watch them unless you're in England (and you're running Windows). Hence the trolling. Oh, you know what else the English have? Excellent candy.

We're Just Tired Of The Bullshit

I don't know where I've been this past week, but the fact that Mr. Mark Oliver Everett and his band the Eels have released a live album completely slipped by me. I didn't find out till Muzzle of Bees posted a review about it, and a link to the live version of 'Trouble With Dreams'. It's really good so far, the recording quality is great (much improved over their last live recording), but one thing that's missing? The stage banter. I'm not saying stage banter is necessary for an outstanding live album (I look at you, Kicking Television) though it can really make a live album too, if it's funny enough (Does anyone have a copy of Live Noise I can borrow? I miss it so). But E is a funny, funny man. Proof can be found here or by listening to 'Oh What A Beautiful Morning', their previous live album. And I know there was stage banter at the concert, I remember reading a review of the show in the times last summer, where they mentioned when a man in the audience shouted "Those are some nice looking girls you got there E", to which he replied, "Thank you, and by the way sir, you're not allowed to talk to me." That's my only complaint. It's a solid album otherwise, the strings are great, and he lays down a really good cover of 'Girl From The North Country'. So, you know... buy it.

Give Me Back My Family!

The best resources for brilliant criminal masterminds? Movies that no one bothers to watch. Seriously, what's happened to Harrison Ford? Han, Indy, The Fugitive, the man was the icon of my childhood, one of the main reasons I got into movies in the first place. He's still got a presence (the one time I saw him down town, my mind froze. What do you say to him, as he, picks up his clothes, walks by me and, oh, gone, nevermind), but, he's got to stop. He seems hesitant to step back, to take on smaller roles in smaller, none action movies, but he would be so good at it, you can see it in what I like to call his 'acting stage', where he was in movies like 'Witness', 'The Mosquito Coast', 'Working Girl', 'Frantic', and 'Regarding Henry'. He would be even better in those types of roles now that he's older, he can work out a gruffer version of the type of role Bill Murray has been carving out over the last few years. And, give up on Indy 4. If they had gotten their act together over the last 10 years, it would be different, but now it just feels like they're doing it because they have to. And look at 'Phantom Menace', Lucas wrote that because he wanted to. Would it be all right if we just let this one cherished memory untainted? Jar Jar is a big enough taint already.

The World Has Turned And Left Me Here

It seems like the world is taking a collective break from doing interesting things this week. The whole Dick Cheney incident last week has kind of put a cap on the interest I have in the complete ineptitude of this administration. What's that you say, you've sold away the rights to our ports to a country with terrorist ties? Nope, still not as good as the Vice President shooting a guy in the face. And television, my ever so trusted and loyal friend, has let me down as well. It's a sweeps month for God's sake, and there is nothing on. Executives figured... "Hmm, both the Olympics and American Idol are on? No, no... that right there, that covers every possible viewer we could ever get." So they leave people who watch, well, interesting television I suppose, out to dry. But there is hope in the world, how ever shining and brief it may be:

- If, for some strange and utterly alien reason you don't feel like watching the pilot episode of Lost for the 100th time (they actually threw a party to celebrate it. Show runner Damon Lindelof was quoted at the party as saying, "We were worried that people might start getting sick of us playing this episode over and over again, but then we said fuck it, they need us." He then stuffed cake into his mouth and washed it down by pouring two bottles of Cristal directly into his mouth) the fine folks at the government disowned PBS have your back. Tonight sees the kick off of 'Monty Python's Personal Best', a six hour series where each Python showcases their favorite sketches. It airs at 9 and 10 on most PBS stations for the next two weeks.

- I don't know what '24' fans in general look like, and frankly I'm scared to find out. My guess is that we're a horrifying mix of testosterone fueled jocks who dig on the action and torture, and pudgy pale television geeks like myself who tune in every week to watch the subtle character development that occurs as Jack struggles between his life and his duty. If this article is true, I imagine I'm going to get my ass kicked the second I say "I wonder how the movie will continue Jack's character arc?" in the theater. Then the guy will totally high five his buddy and say, "Whoo!"

- This live Shins recording is like peanut butter for the indie soul. I have no idea what that means.

- In a scene that makes the one from 'Bananas' look like an example of grace and poise, I gathered the courage to buy the new issue of Vanity Fair. And after I got over the erupting feelings of anger and jealousy toward Tom Ford, I learned a few lessons. Every picture in the portfolio has the star doing something wacky or sexy, that is except for Philip Seymour Hoffman. His is just a simple head shot - no crazy nudity, no wacky situation. I just imagine him showing up to the shoot, Ford goes "Philip, I want to dress you up like - ", that's probably as far as he got before Hoffman uttered a deep gravelly "Why don't you go fuck yourself?", then probably just grabbed the camera and took the photo himself. Lesson learned? The man is class, head to toe. I also learned that Michelle Monaghan attended my school. And then left it, to pursue an actual career, and she's now more successful than any of the people currently in attendance here will ever be. So, yay school. And as much as I admire Natalie Portman for totally shaving her head for 'V For Vendetta', her hair needs to grow back. Now.

Miss Teen Water Waster (A Mild-Mannered Rant In Two Parts)

I was under the assumption that doing your laundry at 5:45 on a Sunday morning, you would be alone, you'd have your pick of the best washers and dryers, you wouldn't have to suffer the shame of judgmental strangers watching you as you struggle to pack down a pile of your unmentionables into a hole smaller than most frisbees. But in what is just another part in what is quickly becoming the way of everything in my life, I was wrong. Every washer was in use, at least half the dryers were going - could it possibly be that there were as many people with as dysfunctional sleeping patterns as myself? I was under the impression that at 5 on a Sunday 95% of my building would be teetering off into an alcohol filled dream world filled with marshmallow men and English rabbits, but did they all decide to throw a load in before they started their pre-game - a phrase, which I was led to believe (by Time magazine, my source on all youth related topics) referred to an actual game, where underage students who couldn't get drunk at the game got drunk in their rooms beforehand, so they could... I'm not even going to try and guess what the logic behind this is, since drinking and sporting events are both things way out of my comfort zone, never mind the two of them combined. But now people 'pre-game', by drinking before they go to a party. A party where they will continue to drink. I don't really care about the drinking part, but haven't we corrupted the heartland enough? We hip New England liberals, most of us are far too pansyish to step near a soccer ball (which isn't even a real sport in most parts of the country), but we feel fine using a term that was originally created to define an honored spirit building tradition. Is nothing sacred?

Before I started channeling Bill Sunday, I was writing about laundry. It wasn't that a lot of people were doing laundry at the early hour, just one person doing a lot of laundry. There was one girl there when I went to put my clothes in, the same girl was there when I changed them over and when I took them out. Except she wasn't on the same cycle as I was. Each time I went down there, she was tending a different washer or dryer, each one at some varying stage. I can fit all of my clothes into one small hamper, do them in one load. I tend to dress like a homeless person though, so I don't really figure I'm a prime example of the regular launderer, but for Christ's sake, she was carting away her clothes in a shopping cart, and this was just for her first trip. I know nothing about you Morning Laundry girl, perhaps you are an amazing socialite, burning through a world where there is no greater sin than to be caught wearing the same outfit twice, but somehow, I don't think so. Maybe you just think you are, an inverted Mrs. Havisham, where instead of wearing the same dress all your life you're compulsively changing your outfits for the man who jilted you all those years ago, lest you look out of date when he finally returns to you. Most likely though, you're just a silly teenage girl who spends too much money on clothes and appearances when it really doesn't make that much of a difference. Since you'll never read this, and would never listen to my opinion anyway, because, I honestly look like a panhandler, especially on laundry day, I can only hope that you do your early morning routines every Sunday, and hopefully I can switch to another day where I won't have to run into you. Because you bother me, and I like to be alone when I do these things.

Ice Queen

I guess I just wanted to see how bad it really was outside, to see if maybe I was over reacting. I wasn't, it's cold, and I'm an idiot. I decided to walk up to the Barnes and Nobles, because if it's cold outside, the one thing I need of course, is books. And everyone was just superhappy to be working on a day like today. The joy was just, infectious really. I was going to tell the girl working the counter that they had Geoff Dyer's 'Yoga For People Who Can't Be Bothered To Do It' in a display of yoga and self help books, and that despite the title, the book had nothing to do with yoga, a fact they would have learned if they had just look at the back of the book. But then she was grumpy when I bought my book, so I decided to let her feel the wrath of some disgruntled 50 something when they realized that they bought a book about a writer's midlife crisis. Then she'll be even grumpier, and the world will be a little worse because of it. But I'll be here, most likely napping, so I won't really notice.

Current temperature: 2.

The Ice Storm

So I fell asleep listening to This American Life. Oddly enough, it is really warm in the apartment, between the heating and the fact that the sun is shining at me right now, which makes for prime napping condition. And nap I did. It was a pleasant nap, one where I came to the conclusion that there must be a very limited amount of quirky instrumental music out there, since every NPR show uses the same music in their stories: Jon Brion scores, Yann Tiersen's 'Amelie' score, the instrumental tracks from the 'Lost in Translation' soundtrack, and Ratatat songs. I remember lying there thinking, why do I know all of these songs? Then I thought, wait, am I just making this up, am I sleeping? No, I don't usually debate myself when I sleep. Maybe I'm just lying here on the couch thinking I am asleep. Then I had to hit myself because I kept sleeping on my left arm, so everyonce and a while I had to slap my left hand because it had lost all feeling, but I was too tired to try and move myself, so I would fall back asleep for a few more minutes and then wake up to slap my hand around some more. It is going to be one hell of a weekend, I can tell.

Also, has anyone seen this boy? He was last seen leaving for a party at Clark and Division last night around 11. If found, please give him some soup. He loves soup. And his hair doesn't actually look like that. Thanks.

Current temperature in Chicago: 7

Ice, Ice Baby

I remember on Tuesday, when I was walking outside, and I couldn't help but say to myself, "Oh, what a beautiful morning." It was 50 degrees outside, the sun was shining, it felt like the entire city had broken out into one big hoe-down, like that episode of Buffy, except with less spontaneous combustion. I remember that in my head now as I sit in my apartment, afraid to go outside because I'm fairly sure that I would instantly freeze, and fall apart into little chunks like that guy in 'Cube'. That happens you know. It's science, look it up. So as far as I can see it, me and God are in a game of chicken right now, a game which I do not plan to lose. Of course staying in my room all weekend means I'll be bored as hell, so expect frequent updates in an attempt to bring whoever has the misfortune of reading this down into my cold misery with me. I'm going to go eat some Applejacks...

Kids Sing, Kids Sing

Ah, the world, it is alive. Try saying that with a terrible French accent, it'll make you feel better. And Lord knows, I need all the cheesy pseudo French expressions I can get today, because it is miserable in the Midwest. All that snow you heard about? Yes, none of that hit Chicago. Instead, I woke up to so much fog I thought I was having a dream about 'The Third Man' (it wouldn't be the first time), but no, just the beginning of what is possibly the grayest day in history (it didn't help that I had to watch 'The Last Picture Show' in class either). So where do I turn for some warmth, color and compassion? The internet of course:

- I don't have a hot sister, or for that matter a homely one, or one of any varying degree of attractiveness, but if I did and I were to accidentally see her in her underwear, I might have the same reaction that I did when I saw these pictures of Kristen Bell in Maxim. These pictures that I found out about only because they place the Maxims next to the New York Times at my local 7-Eleven. Ahem. Veronica Mars creator Rob Thomas said in an interview with E!'s Kristin Veitch that it was producer Joel Silvers' idea all along, he of course coming from the film making philosophy that "nothing sells better than blood and broads". And it's a philosophy that's made him millions. But is it that simple? Sure, he's made his name on movies like the Lethal Weapon and Matrix franchises as well as dozens of other crappy action movies that you see on TNT at 3 in the morning, but were those just means to an end? A geeky, geeky end? Look at the evidence: Silver is executive producing 'Veronica Mars', a show which is relatively light on the action but heavy on the witty witty quips. The same could even be said about 'Lethal Weapon' scribe Shane Black's 'Kiss Kiss Bang Bang', which Silver also produced. And even though it was heavy on the action, does it get any geekier than 'The Matrix', a story of a computer geek being rewarded for his hours of trolling the internet by becoming a hero? No, no it does not. And his list of future projects also clue me in to this being a man wanting to get his geek on, with the Alan Moore adaptation of 'V For Vendetta' coming out next month as well as the fact that not only is he producing the 'Wonder Woman' movie, but he got king of the geeks, Joss Whedon to direct it. All of this, coupled with this story make me think that, perhaps Silver is just a geeky little hippy deep down inside, and though he had to toughen up to make it through the cinematic system of the 80s and 90s, now that things have calmed down a bit, he's more comfortable letting his geek flag fly. As long as there is still a picture of a girl in a bikini standing next to a guy with a gun as the insignia. (He put it next to the dolphin).

- Speaking of 'El Hombre', one more reason why Joss is boss - he can make the word 'yob' sound cool (Though to be fair, that purse does bear a great resemblance to a battery powered device one places betwixt their nether regions).

- We you aware that they were making videos to accompany music now a-days? Amazing! First on the block, though she won't watch horses get whipped if it's being sponsored by KFC, Pam Anderson is totally cool making out with a guy while he boasts about hitting their buffet.

- We all know butterflies are cool, but you know what would be cooler? Making a third album.

- And finally, via BoingBoing, this clip of Django on some old news reel, which is really too cool for words. Especially my cheap, sarcastic words.

Started talking about the French, ended talking about the French. Proof that time is circular? Maybe, maybe not.

This Gummy Is A Good Gummy

What did I learn from 'Lost in Translation'? Many, many things. How to open a movie, what I'm missing by not watching Japanese talk shows, that karaoke gets a bum rap in the States, just for a few examples. I also thought I learned that when American actors went to Japan to whore themselves out by doing commercials, that it is a soul crushing experience. But apparently I was wrong, and apparently I shouldn't use the word whore so willy nilly (for some reason people tend to get offended by it). I learned this a few months ago in a conversation with my friend's uncle, who works on these types of commercials, where he told me that the movie had missed the point of the ads. I told him he had missed the point of the movie, the point of course being Scarlett and her lovely doe eyes. Luckily he chose to ignore me, and continued to argue that those commercials were all about matching the essence of an actor with a product. He went on to tell a story about a Western actor selling air conditioners. Or radios. There was a car involved. And I think the ad was in the desert. Which makes me think it was the air conditioner. Anyway, the guy stared ( or was it glared...) and people loved it. The product whatever it was, was extremely successful.

Despite that pitiful retelling (forgive me, it's 3 in the morning) the story (or, the point he was making with it) stuck with me, especially in the last few months, as American celebrities have begun warming up and starting to sell products in America. Though, except for the trailblazing courage of the Catherine Zeta-Jones-es of the world, most of them are hiding behind their voices. Celebrities like Jeff Bridges, Sean Connery, and Gene Hackman have all lent their voices to different ads. The weirdest one by far though, has to be Kiefer Sutherland. It might just be my mind, but it seems like Sutherland's voice is being used to pitch everything, I know for sure that's him talking about the Intel chips being used in Macs. But didn't these people see 'Phone Booth'? Actually, I guess a lot of people didn't see 'Phone Booth', but if they had, then they would know that Kiefer Sutherland has the scariest voice in the world. Or if they had seen 'The Lost Boys'. Or 'Stand By Me'. ' Or one episode of '24'. Or if they had ever listened to... his voice. Instead they use his voice to achieve the regular, trust us about how great our product is effect.

The Japanese on the other hand? They get it. They use the Jack Bauer character as a kind of modern day Malboro Man gimmick. Do I want to be like Jack Bauer? Hell yeah I do. Then eat Calorie Mates. Hell yeah I will. Wait what are Calorie Mates? Does it matter? No. No it does not. Bill Murray would be perfect to sell Santory Whiskey with those dark mascara eyes of his, it probably would have been a fantastic ad if the director hadn't been such a jerk. Hollywood has never been an industry built on integrity, and as much as we like to fight against the idea and complain about it, we're just kidding ourselves. So if we're going to whore ourselves out, we might as well whore ourselves correctly. And there, I did it again. It just sounds so good... whore. It rolls off the tongue. And, that sounded dirtier than I meant it to. Sorry.

Kicking Television

This past weekend I've slowly been gearing up for Valentine's day. And by gear up I mean I have slowly descended into an ever consuming pit of television. And it doesn't help that my roommate's parents sent us about five pounds of candy yesterday, along with a bunch of decorations. So not only have I set up permanent residence on my couch over the last 96 hours, but that residence now includes a string of paper hearts and a bowl a terrible 'conversation hearts' that I'm slowly picking at. All's not last though - as with all things in life, I've learned. Deep, deep, valuable lessons:

- The Dick Cheney shooting incident is the greatest piece of comedic gold yet to be produced by this administration, and that is really saying something. It's also created some great moments with my new favorite part of the government, the White House Press core. It's been amazing to watch Scot McClellan over the last few years, especially in the last year as things have really begun to spin out of control for the Bush administration. When Ari Fleischer left in 2003, the press was sufficiently whipped, so I guess they felt it was alright to hand off the job to someone like McClellan. I think up to that point Scott had just been that guy at the office who no one really knew what he did, but they didn't mind because he kept to himself and ate his lunch in the corner. But in the last few months, as Katrina broke and the media suddenly remembered where they had left their integrity (in the refrigerator, can you believe it?), McClellan has been getting tossed around like a rag doll. Harriet Meyers, Karl Rove and Scooter Libby, Abrabmoff, the War, now the press core is asking questions like "At which point did you know Vice President Dick Cheney was the shooter?". Puppies on a linoleum floor handle themselves with more grace. So does this mean that we the American people will finally get some answers? No, no it doesn't. But it does mean that every morning at 11 we'll get a few laughs. And that's what's really important. Also, hands down the best joke to be made out of the Cheney thing - (made by the Daily Show and I think CNN actually used it as a headline) 'Cheney's Got A Gun'. Yeah, let that sink in for a bit.

- Jack Bauer is now more American than apple pie. One man fights to save the lives of thousands of innocent mall denizens, does it get any better than that? No, no it does not. This episode was full of 'America -F Yeah!" moments that '24' dips into every now and then (a terrorist turning on the other terrorists he was transporting the bomb with after a pool cleaner helped them change a tire and he saw some kids playing basketball in season 2 comes to mind), where we see just how precious our way of life, the thing Jack sacrifices himself to protect, really is. Of course with every shot of a kid innocently playing in the mall, I couldn't help thinking back to John Hodgman's story in his book "The Areas Of My Expertise", where he spends a few days at the Mall of America, where he had this exchange - "Working in a mall is a little nerve wrecking" she confides, "because as the largest mall in the United States, we are a prime target for terrorism." "You know what?" I say. "Fuck you."

- Also great about 24 last night, Timothy Omundson shooting himself in the head, which will make every 'Judging Amy' rerun TNT runs just a little more awkward to watch. Not that I watch 'Judging Amy' reruns. But if I did, I would say, wow, the cast from that show is really going off in different directions. Omundson playing a Russian terrorist on '24', Jillian Armenante as the screaming wife of the bomb guy on 'Grey's Anatomy', Dan Futterman getting an Oscar nomination for writing 'Capote' (also a weird little note, I'm watching 'The Birdcage' on TBS, and not only is Futterman in it, but so is Grant Heslov, who is nominated this year for co-writing 'Good Night and Good Luck' Is this the first time two writing nominees from different movies have been in a movie together? Does anyone care? Bueller? Bueller?). And Tyne Daly has gracefully bowed out of the limelight. So, everybody wins.

- If USA keeps their current schedule of curling, dog shows, Monk, and Law and Order reruns, they will become the most popular channel on television.

These were just a few of the things I picked up over the past few days. And, look, it's past midnight. I can go to bed now with the piercing loneliness of valentines day behind me, and look forward to the regular loneliness I face every day. But it's okay, because I know television will be there with me. Unless there is a black out. That would suck.

Hosers, As Far As The Eye Can See

It says something that while watching the Super Bowl last week, I thought John Madden was a jerk while he was going on about how the Steelers didn't have a clear strategy. And I know nothing about football. Whenever I watch football, the only thing I think about it is, why do we call this football? The majority of the game has nothing to do with feet. Then I think, are there any more chips? But even though I'm caught up in these deep philosophical quarries while I watch these games, I'm still aware that game commentators are deeply annoying (except of course for Jerry Remy. I will never get sick of that man. Ever).

But that's what is so great about the Olympics. When I watch the Olympics, I need the commentators. All of the drama, all of the interest of the games comes from the commentators. Watching the ski jump, seeing men flying through the air on skis and not breaking every bone in their body, I was impressed. But apparently I was a fool. Apparently, that guy sucked, he sucked hard. His tips were all up in his face, and... he was... crossed. Oh yeah, look at the disappointment in his face. You can taste it. All these emotions, all these subtle nuances would be lost without the commentators.

I've been watching curling for 7 hours now. I fell asleep to men's curling, and have awoken to women's curling. In between, I dreamt I was a stone, hurtling across an endless stretch of ice. And every once in a while there was a penguin. I digress. Apparently the oddly cute American curling team, skipped (did I say that right Sam? Skipped?) by Cassie Johnson, is really sucking. Of course I wouldn't know that unless it was for the commentators. But now I find myself screaming in anger, going "No! How could you have missed that shot!", even though I'm not entirely sure how you actually make a shot in curling.

The commentators are so fantastic because they make me feel like I'm part of their world, they not only make me aware that there is a whole community out there obsessed with curling, but they make me feel like I want to be a part of it. At least part of it enough to find out where I can buy a pair of those shoes they wear that let them glide on the ice like that. During the men's competition last night, they were talking to the sidelines reporter about the condition of the skip's knee, and she was saying how during the world championship he turned to the reporters and made a joke about anyone having some cartilage to spare. There were a few things that struck me about that. One, do you really need a sideline reporter for curling? Two, that was not a joke sir. Jokes are supposed to be funny. But mostly what worried me was the word reporters. Plural. More than one reporter who covers the sport of curling. If there was one guy, from 'Curling Monthly' - fine. But two? That's just a waste. I'm guessing she reported the story wrong, and when the guy asked the second reporter if he had any questions, he just stuffed the free donut in his mouth and ran out the door.

Apocalypse Nowish

I didn't see 'The Passion of The Christ', mainly because my grandma freaked me out by telling me over and over again that it was a moving experience. This is the woman who walked out of 'Pulp Fiction', but raves about a snuff film. As long as it's a snuff film about Jesus. Anyway, apparently Mel Gibson has taken the success as an excuse to load on the crazy. And load it he has. 'Apocalypto' is... I don't know. After watching the teaser, I have no idea what its about, except I know there was a panther in it. But the best part about the teaser? Gibson decided to put himself in it. Is he in the movie? No. Does he look awesome in a beard? Yes. Not the point. Wow, those kids look really happy to be working with him. And who wouldn't?

* There wasn't really a point to this post, other than to put this picture up. But I feel like it was worth it.

Because She, Charlie, Is A Nitwit.

I don't get Chicago. It always has the reputation of being the cool, understated city, the city that's like that guy at the party who sits in the corner quietly sipping his drink while the guy over at the bar talks loudly about how crazy he and his friends are (this would be New York), Chicago of course knows the guy is a dirty liar, but he's too cool to care. He just keeps sipping his drink. Which happens to be an appletini. That's how cool he is. This is the city of Wilco, of 'High Fidelity', of 'This American Life'. A city which I have yet to find. Maybe it's because I inevitably spend most of my time in the South Loop, or maybe it's because the best parts of this city are being destroyed before I find out about them.

According to a story on last week's TAL, there is a chocolate factory in the West Loop, and if you were to stand on the right bridge (like perhaps the one I can see from my room?) the whole city would begin to smell like chocolate. That is until someone complained to the EPA. And the EPA, responsible government agency they are, told the factory to limit the amount of cocoa dust they released into the air (As for all of the coal plants in the Chicagoland area releasing more than the legal amount of particles into the air? They'll totally get to that later). So now it's gone. Now we're just left with that damp smell that comes from the street grates and the always pleasing aroma of exhaust. Maybe that person lived too close to the factory to realize how wonderful that smell is. Perhaps its how I don't understand how trees seem to be endlessly fascinating to people. But year after year, they are. And I live with it. I don't call the government and complain about the trees, not only because I'm a nice guy, but also because the government has stopped taking my calls, so it'd be kind of pointless to try anyway. And I'd call the guy a joyless bastard, but honestly, what's the point? I'm sure he knows it, and is probably proud of it, as the way most joyless bastards are. Stories like these always stick in the back of my mind, when I watch a movie with a character who is just such an unbelievable dick that I think it's poorly written, that no one could be that terrible, but then I think back to the chocolate guy, and go, "Oh wait, actually, they can."

I Swear To God I'll Stab You With A Fork

If you don't watch Arrested Development tonight. Fox is dumping the final four episodes of the third season tonight at 8 (Or 7, for us here in "real" time) against the opening ceremony of the Winter Olympics. It's a nice way for America to show that they have no taste whatsoever as they overwhelmingly choose to watch the athletes from Moldova parade under some obscure metaphor for Italian history (I'm guessing it's going to be a giant wooden head) rather than watching one of the funniest shows ever on television. There's a chance though, that these won't be the last episodes, in fact, ABC has offered series creator Mitchell Hurwitz a deal for 13 episodes to air next season, and Showtime has offered the show a two season deal. The only thing standing in the way is... Mitchell Hurwitz. Hurwitz isn't sure whether or not he wants to put the effort into totally moving his show to a new network when it doesn't even seem like anyone watches it. And yes, it feels like people watch it, but then you might want to reconsider that we only know about 10 people total, and the world doesn't revolve around us. Though it totally should.

And in, semi-related, because Judy Greer was on both shows news, Tom Cavanagh's new show 'Love Monkey', has been cancelled. Which is odd, since Cavanagh was just on Conan the night before, and Ivana Milicevic was on The Tony Danza show the same day (Why was I watching the Tony Danza show you ask? Because it's awesome, that's why). So on the week when there was finally some publicity for the show? Yeah, it's time to pull the plug. Three episodes and no one's picked up on it? Well then, it'll never catch on. Kill it. Then wrap the body in a rug and drop it in a lake. And let's never speak of it again. Ah well. I was kind of sentimental about a show that had Ben Folds as a guest star. But then it kind lost me when it had James Blunt on as a guest star in the next episode... because he scares me. It's the way he just... stares at you.

Prose is for Prats

There was supposed to be a third paragraph in that previous post. Things I wanted to say, to link, but I couldn't tie it in to the point I was trying to make. And I didn't even realize I was trying to make a point. How weird is that? So here is a list of the things I was planning on mentioning in the phantom paragraph:





- This American Life is becoming a television show (I was excited for this one, I even got a picture).

- The O.C.

- Bear Costumes.

- How Scarlett Johansson broke my heart.

- Blood Pudding.

- How Jenny Lewis makes things better.

- Making it look like your hat has eyes.

- Kanye to do his own jazzy theme.

- Smurfs.

- Why the first season of Alias was a thing of true beauty.

- That kitten continues to hang in there.

The fun part is to figure out how they could all fit together into a coherent statement. Technically this is my job, but... I'm tired.

I Don't Think They're Ready, Ready For This Jelly

Do you hear that noise? No, besides that of your upstairs neighbors body slamming each other to the bass line of a System of a Down song. The other one. It's my head, and it's buzzing. I wanted to write something about the Grammys, but it's hard since I didn't actually watch the Grammys. Things happened, like Veronica Mars and Lost, and it was snowing, that was pretty, then I played this game where I closed one of my eyes and tried to grab a glass and I couldn't, I just couldn't. But it got me thinking about how this last year was a pretty exciting year for music. Or... at least it's exciting for me. Why? Because I am an average looking man.

I know what you're saying, that's not exciting, it is in fact, average. Let me take this time to tell you that you're wrong. The point is, the unspoken rule that you have to be good looking to be on television and magazine covers seems to be coming to an end. But is that really what we want? Odds are, you too, are an average looking person, with deep rooted self esteem issues related to the fact that you lack the ability to stick out in a crowd. We see the loads of beautiful people with pretty problems as they get torn through the tabloids, we don't feel bad about not being as famous as they are because we are not nearly as pretty as they are, it's justified. But now, people like Ben Gibbard are getting videos made devoted almost entirely to their faces. When it's Peter Gabriel, fine, I get that. But when it's the band members of Death Cab For Cutie getting three minutes devoted to their thoroughly average mugs? Well that just makes me feel lazy. I don't have an excuse any more, I can't get by with the old "Oh, I'm too plain for anyone to care" excuse. Honestly, look at them. I think I had an English class with the drummer once. I can't be sure though, because he's so plain he just kind of slips my memory.

I Blame Xenu

It is impossible to get sick of Tom Cruise. Perhaps that's the mission in Mission Impossible 3, just a large group of people watching Tom Cruise movies, and a man in a white lab coat periodically sticking his head in to ask if they're sick of him yet. The answer will of course be no. Then that jazzy theme will kick in.



Actually no, it won't be that. But Paramount certainly seems to be testing the idea, since it put the MI:3 ad that aired during the super bowl into regular circulation. Maybe they didn't, maybe they're only airing it during the episode of Stella I'm watching at 2 in the morning, as a secret special treat for people like me who watch television in the middle of the night. But once again, I think I'm off. I also think I should wear a suit more often. Damn they look sharp. I mean look at them. Really, look at them. Seeing the ad wouldn't be strange except MI:3 isn't coming out till May 5th. May 5th, as in three months from now. So if you haven't gotten your fill of Tom Cruise in the last six months from his constant camera mugging and random public breakdowns, then you're in luck, because you'll get to see him look all angry as Phillip Seymour Hoffman shouts at him over and over again till it feels like they're a part of you, the little voice that helps you through those rough little patches of the day. Like when you run out of yarn and it's started to rain, and damn why is the yarn emporium so far away?

You know what would also be super? If instead of continually showing Hoffman shouting and Cruise smoldering (it's the only word that could begin to describe what the man does), maybe they could show more of the 50 people I actually care about who are supposed to be in this movie. Billy Crudup, Laurence Fishburne, Simon Pegg (could zombies be part of the mission? I can only dream), Michelle Monaghan, Keri Russell, and the man among men, Greg Grunberg. Who, I should note, also looks incredibly sharp in a suit. But sharp suits aside, I'll probably see Tom Cruise hit that car a hundred more times before I see footage of any of them in the movie. Though seeing him hit that car is kind of funny. You know what else is funny? 'Road Trip'. It's on TBS right now, and apparently, they know funny.

Corned Beef and Anarchy

The second best Super Bowl ad after the glorious return of Richard Dean Anderson? V For Vendetta. This movie makes me really nervous, not just because I really liked the graphic novel, but also because if they screw up another Alan Moore adaptation I'm afraid the man might kill someone. Lots of people. In a terribly grizzly manner. But the movie keeps looking better and better. The first trailer looked a little iffy, but after they published the posters and the second trailer, it looks like the minimal amount of blood will be spilled. And if that wasn't enough, the new trailer included this image, which means I've already bought my ticket.


Because I am a simple, simple man.

The film opens March 17th, St. Patricks Day. It was originally supposed to open on November 5th of last year, which is perfect since it was Guy Fawkes Day, and the whole story revolves around the Guy Fawkes mythology. But St. Patrick's Day is a good second to Guy Fawkes day, at least for the Irish, because the Irish love nothing more than a good story about fighting a corrupt British government. Except maybe Guinness. And doing jigs. Anyway... March 17th. And Natalie Portman hosts SNL on March 4th. Hopefully it will be funny, and not in the way 'Phantom Menace' was funny. You know... funny... with humour.

Return of the Angus

I cried a little. When my roommate said "I don't get it," I threw a bowl of dip at his head. Covered in artichoke and spinach, I sent him out of the room, full of shame. I wasn't going to let him ruin what is probably going to be the best thing to happen to me all year. MacGyver came back. It doesn't even matter if Christ has a second coming any more, because I feel like I've been saved. Saved by a paper clip and a tube sock.

I feel more alive than I have in years. My head is buzzing, imagining all the things that he's been doing for the last 14 years. What was great about the commercial was that it suggests that Mac got over his whole, saving inner city youth from joining gangs and black rhinos from being poached phase, and got back to the basics: coming up with elaborate ways to escape and foil generic foreign thugs. But would we still be satisfied with the mere foiling of generic thugs? Now that we live in a post 9/11 world, where Jack Bauer comes up with different ways to torture information out of people every Monday (Jack is kind of the MacGyver of torture now that I think about it. A lamp and a sponge? That's thinking on your feet.), would we be satisfied with MacGyver simply leaving the bad guys locked in a warehouse, rather than leaving them riddled with bullets? Of course the television landscape that MacGyver first appeared in was full of macho, shoot first say a poorly written line right after you shoot heroes on shows like 'Miami Vice' and 'Hunter'; MacGyver was supposed to be an alternative. A hybrid to Hunter's Hummer. And as much as I love '24', what was nice about the commercial was it gives you the idea that that type of alternative is still out there. Of course now its relegated to commercials. But still. It's out there.

The point of all of this is that MacGyver is still awesome. Especially now that he got his haircut. Because I feel better gushing about people when they don't look like Patrick Swayze in 'Roadhouse'.

Unless I'm gushing about Patrick Swayze in 'Roadhouse'. Awesome performance, awesome movie.