Hosers, As Far As The Eye Can See

It says something that while watching the Super Bowl last week, I thought John Madden was a jerk while he was going on about how the Steelers didn't have a clear strategy. And I know nothing about football. Whenever I watch football, the only thing I think about it is, why do we call this football? The majority of the game has nothing to do with feet. Then I think, are there any more chips? But even though I'm caught up in these deep philosophical quarries while I watch these games, I'm still aware that game commentators are deeply annoying (except of course for Jerry Remy. I will never get sick of that man. Ever).

But that's what is so great about the Olympics. When I watch the Olympics, I need the commentators. All of the drama, all of the interest of the games comes from the commentators. Watching the ski jump, seeing men flying through the air on skis and not breaking every bone in their body, I was impressed. But apparently I was a fool. Apparently, that guy sucked, he sucked hard. His tips were all up in his face, and... he was... crossed. Oh yeah, look at the disappointment in his face. You can taste it. All these emotions, all these subtle nuances would be lost without the commentators.

I've been watching curling for 7 hours now. I fell asleep to men's curling, and have awoken to women's curling. In between, I dreamt I was a stone, hurtling across an endless stretch of ice. And every once in a while there was a penguin. I digress. Apparently the oddly cute American curling team, skipped (did I say that right Sam? Skipped?) by Cassie Johnson, is really sucking. Of course I wouldn't know that unless it was for the commentators. But now I find myself screaming in anger, going "No! How could you have missed that shot!", even though I'm not entirely sure how you actually make a shot in curling.

The commentators are so fantastic because they make me feel like I'm part of their world, they not only make me aware that there is a whole community out there obsessed with curling, but they make me feel like I want to be a part of it. At least part of it enough to find out where I can buy a pair of those shoes they wear that let them glide on the ice like that. During the men's competition last night, they were talking to the sidelines reporter about the condition of the skip's knee, and she was saying how during the world championship he turned to the reporters and made a joke about anyone having some cartilage to spare. There were a few things that struck me about that. One, do you really need a sideline reporter for curling? Two, that was not a joke sir. Jokes are supposed to be funny. But mostly what worried me was the word reporters. Plural. More than one reporter who covers the sport of curling. If there was one guy, from 'Curling Monthly' - fine. But two? That's just a waste. I'm guessing she reported the story wrong, and when the guy asked the second reporter if he had any questions, he just stuffed the free donut in his mouth and ran out the door.