He Should Have Just Kept His Dick In The Box

A List Of Things That Caught My Attention While Watching Justin Timberlake's Video For "What Goes Around Comes Around":

The Credit "Written By Nick Cassavettes": I understand that he wrote 'Blow', and directed 'Alpha Dog', and is the son of one of the greatest directors in American independent cinema, but you put that up on the screen and the only thing I see is "From the guy who made The Notebook".

The Dialogue: Seriously, someone wrote this? This sounds more like Cassavettes got drunk, and then tried to copy down dialogue from 'Body Heat', but when he looked at his screen the next morning its was just a long line of Zs from where he passed out, so he just went to the set that day and said "Hey, have you guys ever seen this movie? No? Oh that's right, you weren't even born when it was made. Hmm... Okay, how about this, have you ever seen a movie on Cinemax at two in the morning? Yeah, talk like that, okay? I'll be at the crafts table."

The Visual Metaphors: Throughout the video, Bayer cuts to what I guess you can really only call fire dancers (Is there a less literate name for it? Like, Pyroeur? I don't know), who are swinging around what look like flaming hoola hoops. And because the story takes place in some exotic, erotic Vaudevillian cabaret, Timberlake sings, on a circular stage, into a round microphone that I'm pretty sure hasn't been used since the day Jack Benny left the radio. But do you know what shapes all of those things are? Circles. That's right. They're round. I guess you could say, they come around. Because this video isn't just some poorly conceived attempt by all parties to appear cool - oh no, its deeper than that. It has levels, damn it.

Shawn Hatosy: I appreciate that he's part of the 'Alpha Dog' brain trust here, but come on, playing a thick street thug is one thing, but playing a guy who could a) get Scarlett Johansson and b) steal Scarlett Johansson from Justin Timberlake is another thing. A thing that's so far removed, it's in a different country. Wearing sunglasses and a fake moustache. And when you try to talk to it, all it will say is, "Me no speak the English." Though I have to admit that they build his character beautifully. Who wouldn't want to leave the sensual pop singer for his drunk faced friend who blurts out bon mots like "Of course you do! Of course you do. Let me tell you something, you're awesome, and you're awesome, and you're awesome, and you're awesome, and this deserves a toast." It's the definition of irresistible.

The Fight Scene: I know Justin Timberlake is walking that fine line between shunting off his boyband past completely and embracing the image of the tough loving adult pop star, and in theory, a curse filled fist fight where you come out on top sounds like a good idea. But no one looks good by the end of this scene. Mr. Hatosy's "character"(?) suffers the indignity of having his ass handed to him by the guy from N*Sync, his only defense seeming to be repeating "I like her too" in the highest pitch he can reach. And the only thing that I could think of when Mr. Timberlake lets out his angry side and begins with the punching and the choking, was this one time these two guys got into a fight at a party because the first guy didn't like the way that the other guy was looking at his collar. About three minutes of arm flailing later (I think they were attempting to punch each other), the first guy explained to his crying, pleading girlfriend, "I don't like it when people disrespect my style." He then made sure that his collar had not been unpopped during the tussle. Also, who the hell decided it would be a good idea to give Scarlett curls in this scene? Because suddenly we're supposed to dislike her character, so you give her a hideous haircut? Actually, that's not a bad idea.

The End: You know those bits that they used to do on Conan? Where Brian McCann would be in the audience, and then Conan would say something inconsequential, and he freaks out, and goes, "Where's my kayak?", and runs up the stairs, gets into a kayak, and then they cut to a piece of stock footage where a guy goes over a cliff on a kayak. That's what I was thinking about when they cut to the shot where Scarlett's car flips over. I think they just stole the clip from an old episode of 'Starsky and Hutch'. And an other question, did she crash into the burning wreck of another crash? Doesn't that deserve some sort of explanation? Or is it like in 'Crash', where people in LA just burn up old cars for some sort of emotional metaphor? I don't know. Also, the creepy little smile that Justin gives after we see her crash - I know that this is supposed to be some sort of edgy video fare, where we don't necessarily side with our pop protagonist, but dude, come on, that's just creepy. And Ms. Johansson, if you wish to remedy the fact that you're one of this generation's current ingénues who still doesn't have an Oscar nomination, I would sincerely start practicing my "Oh God, I'm going to die in a slow motion car crash" face. Because it needs work. Also, I was under the impression that after going through some sort of horrific car crash, people would end up bloody and broken, rather than perfectly made up and lying on the road like they had just decided to take a nap there.

Honestly, I yelled out loud at this video. After that fight scene, I just screamed "No! Ahhhhhhhhhh!" so loud that I scared myself. This video is so bad that it makes me want to give up on the world in general. That's it, where's my kayak?

Delusional Girlfriend Theater

I think keeping tabs on the relationship statuses of celebrity is basically the entertainment alternative for people who don't play fantasy football. They both involve obsessing over people you'll never meet, and both slowly drain away from any chance you have of having an actual social life of your own. Frankly, they're American. Anyway - let's look at the boards. We may have lost Queen Amidala and her decoy to their respective hunky Mexican boy friend and skinny British fiancee (somewhere in Madrid, a sob rings out, followed by a muffled gun shot), but its all good. Because who needs them? They're skinny. And Rachel Bilson is now single. As is Scarlett Johansson. And I don't know about you my friends, but I am what they call "prime rebound material". Seriously, I have that written on a mesh trucker hat. It's very funny.

And then there was this, from the new issue of Filter magazine, the one with John Krasinski becoming the fifth Shin on the cover. They interview Lily Allen, and ask her about what type of men she actually likes:

"What kind of guy is Lily attracted to, anyway? 'They're all slightly overweight with facial hair and glasses; the Sean Lennon type,' she tells me after a moment of consideration. 'The more self esteem issues a guy has about himself and his physical appearance, the more attractive I find him. Probably because it make him easy to manipulate,'"

It's true, we're like emotional Playdo. Is there some sort of reverse laser surgery where they can screw up your eyes to the point that you require glasses? Because if so, I am so in. Slightly overweight? My nickname is Ponch, and it's not just because I'm a huge "CHiPs" fan (though I totally am). Facial hair? Oh yeah, and its patchy, its patchy as hell. It looks like I just cut my hair off, applied glue to my face, and threw the clippings into the wind to see whatever would stick. Self esteem issues? I think you know where that issue stands by the fact that you're reading my blog.

I can only pray that this wasn't a joke, and that guys like me are actually a 'type', and not just in the 'you're totally like my brother, I can tell you anything' type. Because seriously, that makes me want to bang my head against the wall, and I do, and it hurts.

I Hope She Does The One About Prostitute Donuts

It's hard to love Scarlett Johansson sometimes. I want to just write her off as the blonde, Sexiest Woman Alive (not that there is anything wrong with that), but every once in a while something she does reminds me that the same smart mousy girl from 'Ghost World' is living underneath all that bombshell. Like this. I'm told by chattering girls who go to Borders to read but not actually buy People and US that the cool thing for modern young starlets to do is to branch out from their acting careers to record a musical album. Modern day icons like Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Annette Funicello come to mind. So why wouldn't New Scarlett jump on board, throw her hat into the over produced pop ring? But it turns out she's not just going to fill a disc of forty minutes complaining about the paparazzi or how sad it is that the stars are blind (seriously, what the fuck was that?) , but instead she's doing a disc of Tom Waits covers. Yeah. This is the Johansson Paradox, and it's killing me.

RELATED ITEMS!

Can't wait for the album? You want to hear Scarlett sing now? I suggest you visit Stereogum to hear her cover Gershwin's 'Summertime'... Or if you're in the mood for just some straight up Waits, I found this site, with a live recording from the 1974 San Diego Folk Festival. I really hope Scarlett does some nasal pitched ramblings in between songs, because really, that's half the fun... Bill Murray never comes to my parties, we just get Chevy Chase, and he steals our silverware... and in music related news, because it's music... MOKB has both video and an Mp3 of the new Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins song they performed on Conan Friday (not to mention an awesome photo). I recommend you download the song and watch the video. Why? Sweet dance moves, that's why.