He Should Have Just Kept His Dick In The Box

A List Of Things That Caught My Attention While Watching Justin Timberlake's Video For "What Goes Around Comes Around":

The Credit "Written By Nick Cassavettes": I understand that he wrote 'Blow', and directed 'Alpha Dog', and is the son of one of the greatest directors in American independent cinema, but you put that up on the screen and the only thing I see is "From the guy who made The Notebook".

The Dialogue: Seriously, someone wrote this? This sounds more like Cassavettes got drunk, and then tried to copy down dialogue from 'Body Heat', but when he looked at his screen the next morning its was just a long line of Zs from where he passed out, so he just went to the set that day and said "Hey, have you guys ever seen this movie? No? Oh that's right, you weren't even born when it was made. Hmm... Okay, how about this, have you ever seen a movie on Cinemax at two in the morning? Yeah, talk like that, okay? I'll be at the crafts table."

The Visual Metaphors: Throughout the video, Bayer cuts to what I guess you can really only call fire dancers (Is there a less literate name for it? Like, Pyroeur? I don't know), who are swinging around what look like flaming hoola hoops. And because the story takes place in some exotic, erotic Vaudevillian cabaret, Timberlake sings, on a circular stage, into a round microphone that I'm pretty sure hasn't been used since the day Jack Benny left the radio. But do you know what shapes all of those things are? Circles. That's right. They're round. I guess you could say, they come around. Because this video isn't just some poorly conceived attempt by all parties to appear cool - oh no, its deeper than that. It has levels, damn it.

Shawn Hatosy: I appreciate that he's part of the 'Alpha Dog' brain trust here, but come on, playing a thick street thug is one thing, but playing a guy who could a) get Scarlett Johansson and b) steal Scarlett Johansson from Justin Timberlake is another thing. A thing that's so far removed, it's in a different country. Wearing sunglasses and a fake moustache. And when you try to talk to it, all it will say is, "Me no speak the English." Though I have to admit that they build his character beautifully. Who wouldn't want to leave the sensual pop singer for his drunk faced friend who blurts out bon mots like "Of course you do! Of course you do. Let me tell you something, you're awesome, and you're awesome, and you're awesome, and you're awesome, and this deserves a toast." It's the definition of irresistible.

The Fight Scene: I know Justin Timberlake is walking that fine line between shunting off his boyband past completely and embracing the image of the tough loving adult pop star, and in theory, a curse filled fist fight where you come out on top sounds like a good idea. But no one looks good by the end of this scene. Mr. Hatosy's "character"(?) suffers the indignity of having his ass handed to him by the guy from N*Sync, his only defense seeming to be repeating "I like her too" in the highest pitch he can reach. And the only thing that I could think of when Mr. Timberlake lets out his angry side and begins with the punching and the choking, was this one time these two guys got into a fight at a party because the first guy didn't like the way that the other guy was looking at his collar. About three minutes of arm flailing later (I think they were attempting to punch each other), the first guy explained to his crying, pleading girlfriend, "I don't like it when people disrespect my style." He then made sure that his collar had not been unpopped during the tussle. Also, who the hell decided it would be a good idea to give Scarlett curls in this scene? Because suddenly we're supposed to dislike her character, so you give her a hideous haircut? Actually, that's not a bad idea.

The End: You know those bits that they used to do on Conan? Where Brian McCann would be in the audience, and then Conan would say something inconsequential, and he freaks out, and goes, "Where's my kayak?", and runs up the stairs, gets into a kayak, and then they cut to a piece of stock footage where a guy goes over a cliff on a kayak. That's what I was thinking about when they cut to the shot where Scarlett's car flips over. I think they just stole the clip from an old episode of 'Starsky and Hutch'. And an other question, did she crash into the burning wreck of another crash? Doesn't that deserve some sort of explanation? Or is it like in 'Crash', where people in LA just burn up old cars for some sort of emotional metaphor? I don't know. Also, the creepy little smile that Justin gives after we see her crash - I know that this is supposed to be some sort of edgy video fare, where we don't necessarily side with our pop protagonist, but dude, come on, that's just creepy. And Ms. Johansson, if you wish to remedy the fact that you're one of this generation's current ingénues who still doesn't have an Oscar nomination, I would sincerely start practicing my "Oh God, I'm going to die in a slow motion car crash" face. Because it needs work. Also, I was under the impression that after going through some sort of horrific car crash, people would end up bloody and broken, rather than perfectly made up and lying on the road like they had just decided to take a nap there.

Honestly, I yelled out loud at this video. After that fight scene, I just screamed "No! Ahhhhhhhhhh!" so loud that I scared myself. This video is so bad that it makes me want to give up on the world in general. That's it, where's my kayak?