A Very YouTube Christmas

There was a chance that it was a passing fad, that, subjected to the relentless playing of Christmas music and terrible politically correct banners everywhere, that the Christmas spirit I felt a few weeks ago would be diminished by now. But my friends, I am still all about Christmas, and what's more, I am determined to drag the rest of you down with me. To start off, I'll give you what are probably two of the greatest Christmas songs ever recorded:



This should have never have happened. Bing Crosby had built a career on being the symbol of wholesome American values, where you croon sweet music, drink till you can't legally see anymore, and then go home and beat your wife. David Bowie had spent the last ten year dressing up like a girly alien, pretending to fellate his guitarist's penis on stage, and singing loopy songs about spiders. But some how, they came together to create one of the most beautiful Christmas songs ever. It's also fun because Bing clearly has no idea who Bowie is, or why he's standing next to him.



The Pogues album 'If I Should Fall From Grace From God' starts off with three songs about drinking, cursing, and gambling so much that God doesn't want anything to do with you, which makes the way 'Fairytale Of New York' begins all the more genius. Gone is that, quick Irish howling, and instead Shane McGowan croons over a slow piano piece. Its so soft and, kind of cheesy, that it forces you to listen. Which is kind of brilliant, since what follows is one of the greatest Christmas songs ever written. Sure, it's about drunks and heroin junkies, but honestly, what great holiday piece doesn't have some under current of depression? It's kind of what the holidays are all about, finding the ability to be happy in the middle of all the soul crushing sadness the world throws upon us. Plus, look quickly and you'll see Matt Dillon!



I've been listening to Sufjan's 'Songs For Christmas' a lot over the last few weeks, and the most impressive thing to me about the collection is how he manages to come up with new Christmas stories in what seems like a kind of played out genre. But sending some magical fairy cult to rescue your grandmother? Yeah, I got to give to him on this one.



I attended a live action performance of "A Charlie Brown Christmas Special" and "Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer" last night, and it was fantastic. The best thing about them was that they played them pretty much straight. They took some liberties in the Rudolph part, adlibbing in some jokes, which is fine, because as much as you love it, admit, its kind of stupid. Like think about the ending. They're all kind of rejoicing in the fact that they've all learned to be more accepting, and that Rudolph has come of age. Oh, but look, the prospector is alive because Abomniables can bounce, and... he's reformed! Is that it, did we wrap up every ludicrous plot line yet? Yeah? And its happy? Okay, lets go home. I'm not saying its bad, but there is room to mock it.

But thankfully the cast at the Annoyance Theater realized that the same didn't go for "A Charlie Brown Christmas". Other than talking flatly and shuffling around the stage, the cast played it completely straight. Which is the way it should be, because "A Charlie Brown Christmas" is honestly one of the greatest pieces of art ever created. There isn't a single thing wrong with it. I'm serious.

Okay fine, we can make fun of it.



I'm fairly sure that has to be real. The voices are too good and too perfectly recorded to be fake or cut together. Either way, its brilliant. The casting of Cox as Linus is just inspired. And also, Santa is about to shoot some bitches.



Merry Christmas!

Delusional Girlfriend Theater

I think keeping tabs on the relationship statuses of celebrity is basically the entertainment alternative for people who don't play fantasy football. They both involve obsessing over people you'll never meet, and both slowly drain away from any chance you have of having an actual social life of your own. Frankly, they're American. Anyway - let's look at the boards. We may have lost Queen Amidala and her decoy to their respective hunky Mexican boy friend and skinny British fiancee (somewhere in Madrid, a sob rings out, followed by a muffled gun shot), but its all good. Because who needs them? They're skinny. And Rachel Bilson is now single. As is Scarlett Johansson. And I don't know about you my friends, but I am what they call "prime rebound material". Seriously, I have that written on a mesh trucker hat. It's very funny.

And then there was this, from the new issue of Filter magazine, the one with John Krasinski becoming the fifth Shin on the cover. They interview Lily Allen, and ask her about what type of men she actually likes:

"What kind of guy is Lily attracted to, anyway? 'They're all slightly overweight with facial hair and glasses; the Sean Lennon type,' she tells me after a moment of consideration. 'The more self esteem issues a guy has about himself and his physical appearance, the more attractive I find him. Probably because it make him easy to manipulate,'"

It's true, we're like emotional Playdo. Is there some sort of reverse laser surgery where they can screw up your eyes to the point that you require glasses? Because if so, I am so in. Slightly overweight? My nickname is Ponch, and it's not just because I'm a huge "CHiPs" fan (though I totally am). Facial hair? Oh yeah, and its patchy, its patchy as hell. It looks like I just cut my hair off, applied glue to my face, and threw the clippings into the wind to see whatever would stick. Self esteem issues? I think you know where that issue stands by the fact that you're reading my blog.

I can only pray that this wasn't a joke, and that guys like me are actually a 'type', and not just in the 'you're totally like my brother, I can tell you anything' type. Because seriously, that makes me want to bang my head against the wall, and I do, and it hurts.

A Modern Day Agora

I'll bypass the usual apologies I type up for being away for so long. You know I still love you.

Dinosaur Comics posted this video yesterday, a CBC report from the early 90s on the new phenomenon known simply as "internet":



Things I love about this:

1. The initial dropping of "the" before internet and all of the hilarious "strange and futuristic" vibes it gives the report - and then the way they abruptly start using "the" in the middle of the report, like they suddenly realized they sounded silly.

2. Internet enthusiast John Allen praising the restraint on the internet, how people don't use the anonymity of the internet as a way to spread hateful putdowns. That fag would get pwned after three posts on an AICN message board. LOL.

3. The hard hitting piece on the origin of emoticons. :-[ See, I'm serious.

4. That the original use of internet was for the spreading of flirtations, debates, shared poetry, and midnight contract bridge games. Seriously though, where are these midnight contract bridge games because I so want in.

5. The British gentleman and his "deep and abiding passion of all things Thai".

6. The utter sadness in the fact that the Patty from Canada claims that internet has "more soul than any human" she knows. It's fifteen years later, but I have a fairly good idea that Patty is in the same spot now that she was when she wrote that.

I also just love how quickly things become outdated these days. Looking at the hundred year crawl it took from punch card machines to PCs, the fact that I'm laughing at this video from my wireless laptop 15 years later, it kind of makes me think that we'll be laughing about the technological advances that we make now in five years, and then we'll be laughing about things that we discovered five minutes ago. "Hey remember when you were going on and on about teleportation?" "Yeah, I literally just stopped talking about before you started talking." "I know, and I'm laughing because now it's old hat."