A Dirty Word

I went sledding once this winter. The day after thanksgiving. My, it was fun, we chortled merrily as we tobogganed down the hill. Surely this will a splendiforous winter, full of snow, and glee. I wore a T-Shirt today, not because I wanted to (I abide by a style philosophy where I cover as much skin as possible. The ladies love it, they love the mystery) but if I wore any more, I'd have to field questions like "Christ, did you just run a marathon? Because that takes training you know. Training, you do not have". And there is nothing worse than having to listen to a doctor go on and on about unnecessary health risks. Especially when you're trying to eat a meatball sub. Inconsiderate bastards. Anyway, it was in the 60s in Chicago today, which I guess means that it's spring (though I find the lack of mud disturbing). I feel cheated, I wanted snow damn it, I wanted to prove my worth, standing against a blistering wind on an 'L' stop. I wanted freezing cold misery, six foot deep misery, not just, blah misery, the type we've had all winter. This spring is quite nice though, not sweltering, not freezing, just cool. And, a 24 hour diner opened down the block from me, so I've got that going for me. I haven't gone yet, but if the stacked boxes of matzah and manischewitz in the window are any indicator, I'm in for treat. But then I'm a man who loves his crackers.

I was sick at the beginning of this week, and I slept through most of the past five days, but when I finally woke up, I found out that immigration had become the greatest matter of national security. Every day, I saw high school kids streaming from their schools to protest to unjust bills being proposed, and in no way leaving just because they wanted to get out of school. They will go down in history with that girl in my English class, who I always suspected was asleep with her eyes open, when she heroically stood up and walked out to protest the war. She promptly walked out to the stoop, and inhaled the freedom of her Camel light. You know, before the vice principal got all on her case. God, he was such a fascist. You know, this is how Nazi Germany started! Or you know, something like that. God, why do we even need to learn history? It's not like it's going to happen again. Hey can I bum one off of you?

Lou Dobbs has always scared me. And I'm not just talking about the hair. Though, good lord, look at that hair. It's terrifying. Every night his show leads with a story about how immigrants are ruining America. No matter what the actual lead stories of the day are, you can rely on Lou Dobbs to completely ignore it and instead talk about immigrants, or outsourcing, or... I honestly can never pay attention to what he's talking about, I just get so caught up in... the hair. I wonder what would happen if you set it on fire. My theory. Nothing. I think his entire head is flame retardant. I apparently should have been paying attention, since everyone seems to care about this right now, and Lou Dobbs is in his moment, covering the meeting 'El Tres Amigos' in Cancun (where, I think all international summits should take place. What better way to unwind after a day of discussing African aid plans than with a rousing banana eating contest?). Who knows if all of this will boil down to anything significant, most likely in another week, congress will be on to another hot button issue, something flashy, with pizzaz. Maybe like, bottling legislation. We can figure out what that actually means later. Anyway, whatever we move on to next, you can trust that Lou Dobbs will continue to spread isolationism to you, every night.

The worst thing about this college life is how Thursday has become Fridays, how I wake up Friday mornings expecting cartoons, and I get Katie Couric. Christ, does that wake me up. I also feel like I should be able to go see movies on Thursday nights too. I've tried weasling my way in, "Look, I know you have the reels already, and you're gonna watch them, what does one extra person matter? Huh, maybe Andrew Jackson would change your mind? Huh, maybe a Jackson? No, not Wolverine, he was a president. 20 dollars, it's a 20 dollar bill." It's around this point when it just turns into a long, long stare, and I sulk away. Anyway. Though it may feel like the only movie coming out tomorrow is 'Basic Instinct 2', there are other options if you don't feel like watching stiffly shot gratuitous sex in the middle of a bland story in a gratuitous sequel designed to jump start a future mental patient's career. Slither opens tomorrow, and I have a feeling that watching slugs infesting human beings will be less disturbing than watching Sharon Stone try to be erotic. Plus, it has one of the best casts in a good long while on it, with Nathan Fillion (O, Captain, My Captain), Berkshire native Elizabeth Banks (I take it on good authority that she smells like burgers), Michael Rooker, Jenna Fischer (Pam from the Office), and Gregg Henry. It was written by Fischer's husband James Gunn, who wrote the 'Dawn of the Dead' remake two years ago, which I, actually enjoyed, once I was forced to watch it. So I'm hopeful.

Speaking of 'The Office', NBC has been running 'April Fools Day' versions of their 'The More You Know" spots with the Office cast members (in character) giving advice that is actually useful, like John Krasinski's advice to avoid black jelly beans, Rainn Wilson advising you on how to deal with bears, BJ Novak on why taping yourself having sex is the worst possible idea you could do. Watch them here, it could save your life.



Most importantly though,Brick opens in New York and LA tomorrow, expanding to other markets (like Chicago, Boston, and DC) next week. That actually works out nicely, since it means I'll be able to see that and Lucky Number Slevin (which, I take from a credible source, will be the new hotness) back to back in a neo noir double feature. Because this is how I organize the events in my life. Seriously though, if you can, see Brick. No joke, no wacky non sequitur. Just see it.